Last night I went to see Won’t You Be My Neighbor, the new documentary about Fred Rogers, which by the way was excellent. At some point in the film, they mentioned something I have heard before, which was that many people have accused Mr. Rogers of creating a generation of narcissists by telling all children that they are special just the way they are. I’m tempted to simply laugh at that kind of allegation, but I think this is an opportunity to clarify an area of real confusion for some people, which is the difference between healthy self-worth and toxic narcissism.
When you look at the whole context of everything Fred Rogers said, and how he lived his life, it becomes very clear what he was trying to tell kids by saying that they are special. He was affirming the uniqueness, worth, and dignity of every person. He was saying that every person is equally special because everyone has unique gifts to bring to others, and that all people are equally lovable and entitled to basic kindness and respect. These beliefs are very supportive of having a healthy sense of self-worth that helps people to respect others, uphold fairness, and contribute to society.
Let’s compare this to some lyrics from Kanye West’s song, I Am a God:
I am a God
Hurry up with my damn massage
Hurry up with my damn ménage
Get the Porsche out the damn garage
I am a God
If you look at this and Kanye’s others songs, along with his actions, it’s clear that he believes he is special, but in a completely different way than how Fred Rogers used that word. Kanye doesn’t mean, “I am special and because of that I have unique gifts to bring to all of the other equally special people in the world.” He means, “I am more special than other people, and am therefore entitled to special treatment.” Of course, the important difference here has nothing to do with the musical style; lots of rappers have promoted love and respect, and Kanye West is far from the only highly-visible person displaying narcissistic traits. The point of using him as an example is just that his lyrics in this song are so blatant as to make the point very obvious.
Hopefully the contrast here makes it clear that self-worth and entitlement (an aspect of toxic narcissism) are so far from being the same that they are actually polar opposites. One promotes generosity, while the other promotes greed. One promotes love and respect for others, while the other promotes contempt for others. One embeds us in a dense web of mutuality with others, while the other one places us alone on a pedestal. So let’s not be too confused by the fact that the word “special” can mean very different things to different people, and make the mistake of blaming an epidemic of narcissism on someone who had nothing to do with it.
Just to make this even clearer:
Self-worth:
-Emphasizes universal worthiness of all people
-Promotes generosity and contribution
-Based on love and respect
-Is compatible with realistic appraisal of people’s strengths and weaknesses
-Values differences
Narcissism/Entitlement:
-Emphasizes comparisons; some people are seen as worthier than others
-Promotes entitlement, demandingness, and sometimes violence
-Based on contempt and disdain
-Necessitates unrealistic idealization and devaluation of people and/or groups
-Devalues difference – only one “right” way to be
To relate this back to therapy, healthy self-worth is the foundation of all healthy people, relationships, and communities, while entitlement and toxic narcissism can easily destroy people, relationships, and communities. Unfortunately, when people get too deeply embedded in toxic narcissism, they usually don’t want therapy for it, no matter how much it may be ruining their lives, because they believe they are perfect and that other people are the problem. Obviously, therapy can’t help people who don’t want therapy, but fortunately, it can help the rest of us. After all, all of us, in smaller ways, have put ourselves on a pedestal at some point. And almost all of us, at some point, have also enacted the opposite role by devaluing ourselves and putting others on the pedestal instead. If we are not too far gone to be able to see this as a problem, then therapy can help us to let ourselves and others off of their pedestals and relate instead from a secure foundation of respect and worthiness.